Love is Watching Someone Die
by thecupcakeimp
Summary: Disconnected musings, in the waiting room. Matt's shock of Mello's injury, the angel's face he knows is going to be marred by a scar, is causing all this thoughts to go rampant. Based on "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie.


**"What Sarah Said"**

With shaking hands I explained what happened, pulling a wild lie from nowhere that I had found you on the street not too long after meeting you. You had no identification. The doctors needed a name, so I spat out the first one I could think of, "Martin, his hame is Martin." Another lie in a string, who gave a shit? I was pulled out of the room where you were being cared for into the waiting room of the ICU that reeked of piss and 409. I wanted to go back to you, but the nurses insisted that I find somewhere comfortable and rest. I was obviously not in good shape at all.

Ah, time, where does time go? Drifting into space? Was it one long cycle? We always had time, loosing it and gaining it. A nurse stayed with me, since she saw how distressed I was. My thoughts wandered, disjointed, strange. It came to me then that every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time. To try and keep what little we are given until it is siphoned away, slowly, at the perfectly even ticking tempo of the clock's ticking. I must have said so, I can't remember if I did or not, but the nurse agreed with me. We talked for a bit of the time we had, wasting it, wishing it would be snatched away. I could tell she was worried too.

Each time there was a decending beep on the LCD, you were taken a little bit farther away from me. I knew you were never going to be quite the same. The little snatches of innocence you had, had all gone up in the same flames that had gutted the curch, dissapearing into a smoky sky, choked and smothered. You wouldn't be the same.

But I would always love you- always.

No matter what Hell wrought the future to be.

I looked around at the vending machines and year old magazines, my hands still shaking. Frankly, I needed a cigarette, and you. But no, I had to wait. I wasn't going to leave if there was a chance you'd need me. Would you? Would you be glad that I pulled you out of the church? I knew that now your vendetta would be stronger than ever. Was it just a selfish act of mine? I couldn't bear wandering the world without you- my sweet shattered angel. You had always been there. The exception was the day L died, and you left Whammy's House. I took just over four years to find you. And now… we were inseperable as ever, right?

Would you still need me?

I clasped my shaking hands together, and tears filled my eyes. It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend on a faulty camera in our minds. Pictures faded so easily and were lost. When something like this the camera took too many pictures and they couldn't be sorted out. Everything was different. You were a truth I knew I'd rather lose than to never have lain beside at all to try and bring you back. To see your cold eyes slowly turn warm as they shifted to me- is it love? Is it a lie? Would you care if I left, or do you need me as the one cornerstone of sanity in your fucked up life?

Wait, you hated hospitals, didn't you? I glanced at all the exits, imprinting them in my memory. You'd want to leave as soon as you were consious, not just for safety reasons.

I looked around at all the eyes on the ground as the TV entertained itself. People looked around, eyes on the ground, pacing for bad news. There was a strange feeling in the air- nearly tangible. Fear. Then the nurse returned, and everyone lifted their heads, waiting. I was thinking of what one of my friends said back at Whammy's House. A little girl, Sara, who very rarely spoke.

_"Love is watching someone die."_

I darted back to your room before the nurse said anything to me.

There you were, looking as peaceful as you would in any shitty sappy story. The stormy weather cast a slightly eerie glow on your thin body neatly laying under the white sheets. You smirked at me, though you looked worn and weary.

"Hey, Matty," you said quietly.

"How many fucking times to I have to tell you, you damned bastard, not to call me Matty?" I choked, sitting on the side of your bed.

"Don't… Matt.. don't- I'm fine…"

"I don't care, you scared me shitless!"

"Matt…"

I finally dissolved completely, leaning my head on your shoulder, grasping at your ruined clothing, the leather stillc harred and smelling of ashes and smoke. I cried, your fingers gently running through my hair.

"You told them I was called Martin? What the hell? You could have come up with something better than that, shithead," you chuckled.

"Shut up, Mell," I muttered, wiping my eyes, voice shaky, trying to get myself together. My breath came unevenly, my eyes averted beneath my goggles. "They had to call you something."

"I suppose," you sighed, kissing my forehead. Half of your sweet face was bandaged and hidden.

"Mello… just for a while… can it just be us? You and me, and nobody else? We can go to my apartment and-and just… so you can get better?" I stuttered, "And it'll be like before, almost, back at Whammy's. Almost, right?"

"Mhmm. Don't worry, Matty. But we need to get out of here. I can't stay here. I'm gonna fucking puke just to make my room filthy or something. I know you'll take care of me," you said, still sounding calm, but that was likely because of sedatives or something.

"C'mon, let's go. I got all the exits and such memorized. I knew you wouldn't want to stay." Amidst my disconnected musings I had done so. I knew you too well, didn't I? You gingerly pulled yourself out of the hospital bed, using me as support. I guided you out, carefully watching for anything- doctor, nurse, mob member, anyone trying to stop me from carrying you away. It was strange- as soon as I was back in your presence again, my thoughts seemed less screwed up. Of course… now I knew that you were going to be alright. Right? I needed you. I always would. I loved you more than everything. You knew I did. We got into my car, parked outside, and fifteen minutes later, I unlocked the front door.

"Dammit, can I borrow-"

"Yeah, I'll go get something for you to wear," I said, and rummaged through my drawers.

I tossed you one of my pairs of jeans and a black and white striped shirt just like the one I was wearing.

"Really?" you scoffed. I glared playfully at you.

"Yeah really," I said.

"Not a single plain black shirt?"

"Oh come on, Mello, we'll be twins!" I said in a high pitched voice.

You muttered something under your breath that sounded something suspiciously like a prayer.

I helped you into the shirt, carefully avoiding your burns. You winced a few times, and each time I apologized quietly. Once again, I noted an odd atmosphere.

"Go sleep. Just use my-"

"I don't need any sleep-"

"You shut your face," I said, and gently pulled you down the hall since you were too tired to resist too much.

I sat back down on the couch after making sure you actually went to sleep, and flipped the TV on to put in a game. However, there was something besides Kira himself on the news. Someone had been shot by the police because they didn't support Kira, and tried to resist the movement. Such a rare thing, nowadays.

What if… that person ended up being one of us? You or I?

If- no, that was going to be me. The loyal sacrifice. Would you come for me? Who would watch you die? You would die alone… would your God save you? I had lost my faith long ago, but still, a rosary hung around your neck. Would you believe that you were alone or not? I'd never quite bought it but…

* * *

The bullets ripped through me and my arms, that had been raised to show that I was defenseless, fell. The world was filtered in the dusky glow of my orange goggles. The story on the news so long ago flashed through my mind as I collapsed on the ground, leaning back on my car. How long ago had that been? Warm blood seeped out of my chest, the cigarette falling from my lips. As the world dimmed- something golden. Where was I? How long had I been here? It was dark. Who-? I hissed in mind numbing pain as I was moved off of the concred warmed by my blood onto something softer, and warmer.

"Oh God, Matty, Matty- I'm so sorry…" I heard a whispered plea, "I love you, I love you, I love you…"

"M-Mell?" I croaked, barely able to move my dry lips.

"Don't, you're-"

"I'm not g-gonna make it. M-Mell?"

"Y-yeah?" you asked, voice trembling like I'd never heard it do before.

"Who's gonna watch you die?" I asked, struggling to keep my eyes open. You pulled my goggles onto my forehead- was I in an alleyway now? I coughed, more blood trickling out of the corners of my mouth.

"Matt-" you held me close, "Don't worry. I'll beat Near this-"

"I know you will…" I rasped, "I'm sorry I'm… getting you all b-bloody…"

You laughed dryly, no humor reaching the sound.

"That's just like you Matt- going and dying on me and just apologizing for bleading on me…" you said, and you shook with tears, clutching at the bloody vest I wore.

"Love you, Mells," I whispered. Your scarred face dripped tears onto me, washing blood from my face. You kissed me hard on the lips as I clung to what little light I could see.

"Don't- please don't- I won't forgive you!" you shouted, sobbing desperately.

"Love you…" I said faintly.

You completely shattered, breaking to pieces before my eyes.

"I'll… wait for… for you…" I whispered.

You held me until I was gone.

"I'm sorry, Matt," you said a final time as you walked back towards headquarters, a new purpose in your step, each one full of what would become vengance, wiping away the last traces of your tears.

Good luck, Mello.

* * *

A/N: Phew, happy birthday, Abby!

Also, this isn't quite a songfic, but it was based on "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie. Hope you enjoyed. R&R please?


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